A Little Bit of Magic

I wasn't even going to say anything today, but when I looked out our kitchen window and saw a butterfly fluttering around, I knew I had to say something to acknowledge the day.

As many of you know, butterflies are often used as a fertility symbol. A symbol of the soul. Today of all days, I see a butterfly when I look out the window. Today. August 11, 2008, the date on the calendar that represents the estimated due date of our second angel.

"The metamorphosis of the butterfly is a powerful symbol in so many ways for us when we are grieving. They are the beautiful tiny spark of life that came to us, lighted in our lives for a too brief moment before fluttering away. They are the hope that the transformation that loss brings into our life, can result in something different, something beautiful. We may not be the same at the end of our journey, but we have grown, we are able to see things that we could not before. They are the hope that we may swallow that butterfly soul searching for us, and hold a baby in our bodies and in our arms once more."

Call me crazy, but I'm all about signs. I'll take seeing the butterfly today as some sort of sign sent just for me.

I can't believe it hung around long enough for me to run upstairs and get the camera. I wanted to go outside, but was afraid it would fly away. These pictures were taken through the window.

We're Doing Okay

It's been over a week since we got the devastating news of our IVF failure. The first couple of days were pretty rough for both of us. As the weekend came to a close, I was starting to feel a lot better. (Not that reading emails or trying to write this doesn't still bring the flood of emotions right back to the forefront.)

We talked a bit, worked out a few details, and were able to get scheduled to cycle again right away.

For my own sanity, I am thinking of taking this cycle "offline" and not really blog about things as we progress. Well, at least not publishing the posts. While the support can be utterly amazing, it also feels like it adds so much additional pressure to perform! It was really hard to come back and report the not so good updates.

We all know "it only takes one", but when you have put your whole heart and soul into the cycle, it really hurt to only be left with that one little teeny tiny poppy seed of a chance.

Thanks to everyone for your continued support. I'm sure you can understand how this can be a difficult position to be in. My email is posted if anyone would like to stay in touch while I take some time away from the blog.

2 Things for Me Today

Today was the first day in three years that we went for a bike ride. Long story, don't ask. We live near an awesome paved trial system and everything, but just haven't gone for a ride in 3 years.

It's been so long since we rode that both of our CatEye bike computers were dead. We have no idea how long we were gone or how far we went, but I think it was a little over 30 minutes.

Also showing how long it's been since our bikes have been out, Shanu's bike decided to leave him with only a single gear. Luckily it was a mid-gear, but not so fun for inclines.

And, tonight, I took a bath. It has been so long since I took a relaxing bath. Last Christmas I participated in a Secret Santa exchange and got my person a couple of bath bombs from Blissful Bath. It's a cute little shop in the area about 30 miles from our house. Being I don't get to that part of town all that often, I got a couple of bombs for myself. Tonight was the first time I've used them since December. How pathetic is that!

So tonight, I was feeling the burn of a much overdue bike ride and relaxed in a far too hot tub of water! It was heavenly!

Tomorrow we may go for another ride and if we do, we'll be armed with new batteries in our CatEyes. Not sure if Shanu will have a chance to look at his gearing, but at least we are making an effort to get out again.

And Then There Were None

Today was the big day. Our blood pregnancy test was today.
You know it isn't good news when the doctor calls before the window of time I was expecting to get a call in.

Our one little fighter embryo didn't make it. We knew our chances weren't as good having only one to transfer, but we still held on to every bit of hope we had. (And there was a lot of it!)

I can't beat myself up over this. When there is a next time, they'll give me a higher dose of meds from the start. I had as many follicles on IUI cycles as I did this time around. Did they shut me down too much and I couldn't turn things up enough in time to get good production? That's the question for the doctor to answer.

Unfortunately this was our first cycle with the new clinic and we'll have to chalk it up as a very expensive learning experience. In the future, I'll test at home first. I can take seeing a stark white test strip easier than I can take the phone call.

We'll have a conference with the doctor in a few weeks to go over what went wrong this cycle and what they'll do in the future to get better results.

For a fleeting moment, we had life. At least we have a picture of it. Something tangible. That's more than we've gotten in the past.

Just One

Melissa is on bed rest now, so this will be the last update until Thursday.
Of our three embryos only one made it to a stage where it could be transferred.

Transfer Day!

Today is the big day. Our transfer is scheduled in just a couple of hours.

I did not really get an update when they called to schedule us yesterday, but they did say they still all looked really good and pretty equal when they looked at them on Sunday.

Now it's up to their team to select the 2 best looking embryos in hopes of implantation.

I'll be spending the next 48 hours on bedrest so I won't be able to check-in or give any updates.

Thanks again for all the support and well wishes during this process.

Good things come in 3's, right?

I sure hope so, cause that's how many embryos we have! Out of our 7 eggs that were retrieved, 4 were mature and 3 fertilized with ICSI.

Things were on track as of this morning, and all of them were right about equal. We'll get another call on Monday and set up the transfer for sometime on Tuesday.

Tonight was my first PIO shot and I have to say, it really wasn't that bad. I was definitely expecting a lot worse.

Thanks to everyone who's left comments or sent emails in the last few days. I definitely appreciate all the love and support going into this.